


anything for you

by wildmountainthyme



Category: Half-Life VR but the AI is Self-Aware - Fandom
Genre: Angst, Canon-Typical Benrey-Getting-Shot, M/M, but only vaguely, follows the general arc of the story from like part 1:2 onwards?, i dont know how to write bubby, that good gay pining and yearning, tommy n benrey are bros
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-27
Updated: 2020-06-09
Packaged: 2021-03-02 17:27:49
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 7,976
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24380536
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wildmountainthyme/pseuds/wildmountainthyme
Summary: Gordon hates Benrey. Mostly because he's an asshole who seems to make a point of antagonizing him, but also he won't die. Won't even pretend like he's human.Benrey, much as he denies it, wants Gordon to like him- and so he starts to pretend like he's human. The next time he's shot, it works like it should. Nothing goes quite as planned.
Relationships: Benrey & Dr. Coomer (Half-Life), Benrey & Tommy Coolatta, Benrey/Gordon Freeman
Comments: 27
Kudos: 301





	1. bloodstained dress-shirt

**Author's Note:**

> baby's first fic! hlvrai and benrey specifically gave me the worst fucking brainrot. i have had that bastard on my mind for WEEKS here's the result. this is super self indulgent and i forgot like 80% of the plot of the series but its gay n sappy n sad and that's all that matters to me. thank you to cowboys with strawberry lemon on discord for checking it over! enjoy!

It was probably night-time, something like a week into their journey. There was no way to tell the time down here- the lights were always bright in Black Mesa, including this crowded storage room they'd chosen as a sleeping spot. Benrey sat on a large metal crate, statue-still like a uniformed gargoyle, and watched over where the rest of the Science Team lay dozing on the ground. Gordon glared at him from his spot against the wall of the room they were camping in, but Benrey seemed completely oblivious. 

‘Hey- not going to sleep, man? Just gonna sit there and stare at us all night??' Gordon hissed at him, when it was clear that just glaring wasn’t going to get a response. 

Benrey blinked and turned to look at him.

‘huh?’

'Y- do you even fucking sleep?

'nah i’m a guard bro i gotta keep watch over you losers.'

‘So no, then? You never sleep??'

's’like i said- i'm a guard, i'm not like you.'

'You-’ Gordon sighed, exasperated. 'Alright, so you just- never sleep. Jesus. Do you not get bored, or- or cold, or something? You really just sit there watching us the whole night? Have you been doing that every night since we met you??' 

Benrey stared at him for a couple seconds, tugging at his uniform sleeve. ‘yeah’. 

'Yeah to what, man?? God, do you have to be so fucking vague all the time?’ Gordon snapped. Tommy, awoken, rolled over to watch their back-and-forth.

Benrey didn’t reply, just kept staring at a spot on the wall a foot over Gordon's head. Gordon sighed again. 'Ok. Ok, fine, one question at a time- do you just sit there watching us every night?’

‘not every night dummy. ‘m not here half the time. didn’t notice, huh?’

'I- Ok. Sure. That’s a yes, then. Do you not get bored?'

'you sleep-talk.’ 

‘And that’s a no? Y- wait, I sleep-talk??’ 

‘yeah like a lot. like all the time.’

‘He’s right!’ Tommy piped in, smiling a little. ‘I-it’s mostly silly things about burnt lasagna or, uh- cowboys! Lots of cowboys! You’re funny, Mr. Freeman. Oh, sometimes you’re sad or freaking out, and that's sad, but th-’ Benrey, inexplicably blushing, coughed loudly. Tommy stopped.

‘uhhhhhhhhhh lasagna man. lame loser dreams about lasagna. garfield ass,’ Benrey retorted, a little too fast. 

Gordon looked at him, bemused and a little flustered. ‘So, as an answer to my question, you don’t get bored because you listen to me sleep-talking the whole night?’ 

‘It is quite entertaining, Gordon!’, Dr. Coomer chimed in, and Gordon put his face in his hands. 

‘Ok. Thank you, Dr. Coomer, you're awake too, I guess. Fucking wonderful. I’m everyone’s calming evening soundtrack. How the hell am I meant to fall asleep peacefully knowing that??’

‘If it helps, Gordon, it’s mostly Benrey who listens to you. The rest of us aren’t so interested’, Dr. Coomer said, and Benrey resumed his staring at the spot over Gordon’s head like he could bore a hole in the wall. 

‘That does not help at all. It might be worse, actually.’ Gordon said. ‘Ok, I’m fucking done. I’m going to try and forget this entire conversation and get to sleep. Goodnight, everyone.’ He lay down in his corner again, back firmly to the group.

‘Goodnight Gordon!’ Dr. Coomer clipped back to his sprawled ragdoll of a sleeping position. 

‘Goodnight Mr. Freeman.’ Tommy said, and shuffled over to sit by Benrey, watching Gordon with him in the fluorescent lights.

  
  


They sat together like that for an hour, Tommy eventually leaning in to rest his head on Benrey’s shoulder when he got tired. Benrey decided that Gordon had probably fallen asleep by now- he confirmed it with a poke to his back, then twisted his head to look down at Tommy.

‘why’re you awake bro? i know you gotta sleep like him’

‘Oh! I just wanted to ask- you- you coughed to make me stop talking earlier, right? Why?’

Benrey made a face. Tommy waited for a moment, and when Benrey didn’t respond, he said, ‘I really think he would’ve liked to know! Mr. Freeman’s too mean to you. If he knew you helped him out like that maybe he’d realise that you should be friends!’

‘s’not that easy. everyone likes you, you’re like a- like a playstation 5. he hates my GUTS. he’d just start going ‘ohhh that’s so creepyy fuck youu... leave me alooone... i hate youuuu...‘. i’m gonna be the bad- the big boss fight anyway so it’s not even- s’pointless.’ 

Tommy shook his head as much as he could manage on Benrey’s shoulder. ‘You can’t just give up on Mr. Freeman like that! You spend every night like a- a guardian angel over him!! Like Sunkist is for me!! You should try to be friends with him, at least. I think you would be all miserable otherwise. Don’t say it doesn’t matter! I-I care whether you’re happy or not, Benrey.’ He unfolded himself off the ground, and padded back over to his sleeping spot. From where he lay on the linoleum, he looked back over at Benrey, and smiled softly. ‘Goodnight!’

Benrey gave a tired half-smile back, and sung a couple notes of blue-to-white sweet voice over to Tommy. He turned back to watching Gordon. 

Later that night, Gordon started muttering soft garbled nonsense to himself, his sleeping face distressed and fists clutching at empty air. Benrey sighed deeply, and started to hum soft blue sweet voice over him, gently stroking his shoulder like a cat. He kept at it until Gordon was sleeping peacefully again. Every time Gordon shifted in his sleep after that, Benrey would watch him closely, and start back up his humming if he got that terrified look on his face again.

Hours later, when the team finally started to wake up, Benrey hastily clipped himself back onto the crate. He ignored the aching in his chest and the pointed look Tommy gave him. 

-

It’d been well established that death would do nothing to keep Benrey down, at that point, and so Gordon had taken to shooting him out of rage when he was being particularly frustrating or unhelpful.

They’d just made it through a room thoroughly infested with peeper puppies and Benrey had done nothing to aid them the whole fight, just wandering around and kicking at the pigeons littering the floor. Gordon was fucking fed up. His HEV suit had protected him from any serious bites but the rest of the science team were considerably scraped up, and were crowded over the medkit they’d salvaged from the wall. Benrey, on the other hand, laughed in the face of injury and apparently held no interest in trying to stop the team from getting hurt or killed. He was evidently much more fascinated with the effects of his sweet voice and his gun on various pigeons, the results of which were scattered amongst the bodies of dozens of peeper puppies. 

'Benrey,’ Gordon spat, striding over to the guard where he stood over a small pile of ex-pigeon.

‘wha?’ Benrey said, and kicked absentmindedly at the feathers.

'Could you not help us? For once? I’m sick of you just fucking off and doing nothing while we’re getting bitten half to death, man.' He brandished the scrapes and bite marks on his suit at Benrey, who remained unconcerned.

‘not my fault you suck at fighting, bro’

‘Come ON! I know you can fight, would it really kill you to take out a single alien to help us out??’

‘no point', Benrey deadpanned. 

Gordon groaned and shot him in the shoulder, glaring at the bullethole as it sprayed blood, sealed, scarred over, and was covered under the re-weaving of Benrey’s shredded shirt. The bright scarlet spray across Benrey’s expressionless face and the soaking bloodstain in his shirt were all that was left. The lack of lasting damage felt like a personal insult to Gordon. 'I can’t fucking stand you, man.' 

Benrey wiped his face with his sleeve, smearing the blood across his cheek. 'why’d you do that? pretty mean, bro.’

Gordon shot him three more times in the chest.

‘hey stop maybe?? how would you like to carry around a million bullets in your chest every- all the time.’

‘Leave the man alone, Gordon,’ Dr Coomer announced, emerging from the medkit, having apparently healed all his wounds. ‘You’re being terribly mean’. 

‘Come on, Dr Coomer, Benrey is clearly not human. This literally does nothing to him. It’s like if I- if i just poked him in the chest or something! Harmless! He’s clearly immortal or some shit and nothing I can do will get rid of him.’

Dr. Coomer opened his mouth, but before he could say anything about still having feelings or being affected in ways other than bodily harm, Benrey interjected with ‘yup! i'm gonna be trailing you forever. gotta follow you around all the time to make sure you don’t steal- don’t take any of the uh- the science. ya thief. got a- got a passport??’

Gordon made a sound of pure exasperation, and marched off to the next room. Benrey followed him immediately, still prodding him for his passport, and not looking back at Dr. Coomer. 

-

They’d spent long enough traipsing the hallways of Black Mesa for Gordon to have decided it was time to sleep, and so they had set up camp in a back storage room that was small enough for him to feel safe. They had sat and chatted inanely for a while, letting Tommy tell them about the best Beyblades and letting Gordon tell them how they were going to make it out. Bubby had passed out first, declaring he was bored, then Tommy, when he wore himself out, then Gordon, who looked bone tired and like he did not want to try and hold a conversation with Dr. Coomer and Benrey. Neither of them got tired in the ways they were supposed to, and so they sat awake- Benrey sitting cross-legged, watching Gordon, and Dr. Coomer just standing by a wall and staring into the middle distance. 

‘hey dr coomer’, Benrey whispered. He was still studying Gordon’s face as he slept, and wincing slightly every time the resting man shifted.

Dr. Coomer blinked and looked over at him. ‘Hello-. How are you feeling, Benrey?’

‘you, uh…’ Benrey stopped for a minute, frowning. ‘you think feetman would be happier if it works when he shoots me?’

Dr. Coomer smiled gently. ‘The man doesn’t want you to die, Benrey. I believe he is just frustrated and uses you as an invulnerable punching bag, of sorts. Out of all of us, you are the one who.... ah, bends the rules the most. Gordon wants to believe that this is a real place very badly. Otherworldly shenanigans don’t sit well with him.’

Benrey nodded, focused for a second, then plunged his hand into his chest. Dr. Coomer watched, brow furrowed, as the guard pulled out handful after handful of bloody bullets from his body. Hiis vest, shirt, skin and flesh were ripped into and healed over again and again, until dozens of bullets lay on the ground around him and he finally seemed satisfied and stopped. His arms were covered in blood up to the elbow, and the stains on his shirt were a deeper red and doubled in size. Dr. Coomer winced. 

‘You should probably get a new shirt, Benrey. Gordon never likes it when we’re painted with the blood of our enemies, and you are doing this for Mr. Freeman, correct?’

‘not doing shit for mr. freeman’ Benrey muttered, and stalked out the supply room, back into the corridors. Five minutes passed in silence, followed by a gunshot, the sound of velcro tearing, a couple barely audible swear words, some rustling, footsteps, and then Benrey reemerged in a shirt with only a hint of blood splattered on the collar and sleeves. 

‘Much better’, Dr. Coomer said, and smiled. ‘I’m sure he’ll like it.'

Benrey lay down on the floor in semblance of sleep, and curled up with his back to the group. ‘not doing SHIT for mr. stupid freeman.’ His voice was muffled, and Dr. Coomer politely pretended not to have seen that Benrey was blushing. 

-

The next time they rounded a corner to a steady stream of bullets, Benrey fought with the rest of them. Gordon, distracted by the yelling and gunfire, barely noticed that the blue figure always wandering his vision in fights is, this time, joining in. Gordon’s gun clicked empty and he ducked behind a large metal crate, cursing and desperately reloading his gun. He glanced up to see an imposing military figure over him, gun trained. 

‘Shit-’ he yelped, and rolled to the side in a last-ditch dodge, punctuated by gun shots. He looked back up, empty pistol in hand, to where the soldier had been. Instead there was Benrey, standing over the soldier’s body, gun in hand. Gordon blinked in surprise. 

‘need some help there, lil baby?’

Gordon grinned at him. ‘Thanks, Benrey’.

‘whatever, weak lil child. no sauce at all’ Benrey mumbled, and watched as Gordon laughed and sprinted back into combat, yelling obscenities at the enemy. ‘not doing shit for him,’ Benrey insisted, to no-one in particular. 

They kept up this odd teamwork as they continued further through Black Mesa. Benrey keeps helping them, and Gordon keeps smiling at him, and Benrey thinks his chest might burst- which is not related to Gordon’s very nice grin or the way his eyes crinkle at the corners, at all, because Gordon is dumb and not pretty and hates him. 

-

Benrey had wandered ahead of the group in a quieter stretch of tunnel, and decided he was done with walking. He skipped ahead to the end of the tunnel, into the open air train-tracks that lay at its end. He sat on a barrel by the tracks, and looked up to watch the misshapen clouds in the sky. He- ah shit. Fuck. He couldn’t move, which meant that- yeah, there were the soldiers, and they sat around him, and started talking ambushes and plots and plans like he knew what was going on and was a part of it. He couldn’t even open his mouth to speak, but he knew nothing he said would’ve helped. Stupid fucking script. He just turned his eyes to the mouth of the tunnel, dread building in his stomach, and waited it out.

The sight of the soldiers immediately prompted Bubby to lead an enthusiastic charge on them, guns blazing. The soldiers scattered at the first sound of bullets, and Benrey was left on his barrel, staring at them like a deer caught in headlights. Gordon kept shooting.

‘Of course- of fucking course!! Obviously you’re with the soldiers! I’m- fucking stupid of course you were just pretending to-’

Three bullets tore into Benrey’s shoulder and he tumbled sideways off the barrel. The wounds kept bleeding.

‘Mr. Freeman! Mr. Freeman, stop!!’ Tommy grabbed Gordon’s shoulder. ‘It’s- it’s not like that, don’t shoot at him-’

Gordon shook Tommy off and marched up to Benrey, still shooting. “Fucking traitor, can’t believe I- I trusted you, thought you were helping us-’ He stood over where Benrey lay, and froze. 

‘Why- Tommy, why isn’t he healing?’

Tommy ran past him and knelt at Benrey’s side, gently turning him onto his back. Benrey had his eyes shut tight and was biting his lip hard, and it was impossible to tell whether the blood on his face was from the bullet wounds or the split lip. His breathing was shallow and rapid, but he seemed iron-set on not making a sound.

‘Fuck.’ Gordon went pale and dropped to his knees. ‘Fuck- shit shit  _ shit- _ ’ He desperately tried to stop the bleeding with his unweildly gloves, panicky and frantic. ‘- _ Shit,  _ Benrey, since when- since when did you get hurt?? I’m so sorry I didn’t- I thought it’d be like every other time-’

‘y- you didn't like my uh… otherworldly shanigans. made you mad so i turned it off’, Benrey mumbled. Scarlet streaked down his chin.

‘You- you turned off your immortality? Because it made me mad??’

Benrey waved a dismissive, shaking hand at him. ‘hey. shut up. did- uh, did i make you happy? top ten saddest anime death scenes made you cry?’

Gordon stared at him, and wiped his eyes, a little indignantly. ‘Can’t you turn it back on?? Can I- can we fix this? Come on, man, you can’t be just dying, you’re  _ Benrey _ , there’s gotta-’

‘so you’ll miss me?’

‘...Yeah, man. I’ll miss you.’

‘...nice’. 

And Benrey’s hand fell, and he lay still.

Gordon desperately turned back to the science team. ‘No way- no fucking way he’s dead forever. We’ll see him again, right?’

‘I-I don’t know, Gordon.’ Dr. Coomer said sympathetically. ‘He seemed awfully dedicated to sticking to reality for you. I doubt he is gone forever, as the scri- Hello- ah, pardon me. I’m not sure things will be entirely the same.’

‘I told him!!’ cried Tommy, rocking where he sat. ‘I-I told him he should just- just  _ talk  _ to you, Mr. Freeman, but he said- he said you hated him, but you  _ don’t  _ and now it’s too late and he’s  _ gone  _ and y-  _ stupid _ -’ and he dissolved into incoherency as he covered his face with his hands. Dr. Coomer crouched by him, gently stroking Tommy’s back, and Gordon let them be. He turned and strode over to Bubby.

‘Hey, man- can you tell me what the fuck is going on? Please?’

Bubby looked at him suspiciously. ‘I thought you didn’t want to know. You seemed pretty damn set on believing this was all real.’

‘I’m sick of being the only one out of the loop and- and I have to know if Benrey’s really gone.’

‘Alright, but don’t blame me if your brain melts or something explodes. I- I don’t think you’re supposed to know this kind of stuff.’

Gordon looked at him expectantly, and Bubby sighed. ‘We’re not real. I believe that you’re the only one of us that, uh, actually exists. We’re all part of your little adventure- your little team of wacky companions to aid you along your epic tale. Benrey- he’s the antagonist, the big bad, the final boss. You’ll be seeing him again. He’s rather screwed up the story with his lovelorn bullshittery, but nothing can stop what’s going to happen from happening, one way or the other. We all knew that. The fact that we’re all aware that we’re just plot devices does nothing for us but make this whole thing a bit of a fucked-up existential crisis. That good enough for you?’

Gordon sat on the ground, breathing slowly. ‘I- I’m going to unpack that later. Jesus. Jesus  _ Christ,  _ my head hurts _.  _ So- so we’ll see Benrey again?’

Bubby rolled his eyes. ‘If that’s really the detail you want to pick out from all that, then yes. You’ll see him again.’

Gordon sighed in relief.

‘Gayboy’, Bubby grumbled.

Dr. Coomer looked up from where he sat by Tommy. ‘Gordon, do forgive us if we start acting a little out of character. If we get too… in the way of things, we- H- well. The show must go on, after all.’

  
  


-

  
  


They rounded a corner in the corridors, several days later, and Gordon froze. A helmeted, blue-uniformed guard stood at the end of the hallway. He hadn’t seen the group yet.

Tommy shot him five times in the chest, and kept walking, fast.

‘It- it’s not him, Mr. Freeman.’

‘No doubles!’, Dr. Coomer said cheerfully, and continued after Tommy. Gordon stopped and knelt by the body of the guard. He was coughing up blood and spitting sentence fragments like a broken record, and his eyes were unfocused. The bloodstained passport in his pocket said Barney Calhoun. Not Benrey. Gordon left him choking on his own blood and ran to catch up with the others. He had a headache. 

They saw more guards as they kept travelling, and every time Gordon froze with an awful hopeful dread burning in his chest, and every time Tommy shot the men to pieces before they could get a full word out. All of the passports said Barney Calhoun, and all of the men died unfocused and incomprehensible. Gordon’s headache got worse every time they found a new one. He couldn’t quite think about what any of this meant. He could barely remember what Bubby had said- except that he’d see Benrey again. Gordon focused on that. He could deal with the rest later. 

Two more days later, they came across a uniformed figure sitting in a familiar slouch on a huge metal crate, and Tommy didn’t shoot. The group edged into the room, all looking at Gordon, who was looking, wide-eyed, at the figure.

‘Benrey?’ Gordon yelled, carefully.

The figure glanced up, the shadow from his helmet covering his eyes.. ‘wha?’ 

Gordon grinned. ‘Benrey, it’s us!’

Benrey blinked at him. ‘huh? i don’t know you, bro. gotta passport?’

  
  
Gordon's face fell, and he instinctively lifted his gun.   
  
  



	2. forgetting, unforgetting

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The big finale.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> real quick: if you left comments on the last chapter, THANK YOU you are my LIFEBLOOD and literally the only reason this second chapter exists. :')

‘Mr. Freeman! Stop!’ cried Tommy, and Gordon paused, gun still trained at an oblivious Benrey. 

‘It’s- it’s still him, Mr. Freeman. He doesn’t know us but that’s not his fault! It’s- please don’t shoot him.’

‘I miss him everyday,’ chimed Dr. Coomer, unhelpfully. 

Benrey looked back and forth between the group. ‘wha?’

Gordon shut his eyes. His head ached. This wasn’t how this was supposed to go- but- how was it supposed to go, then? Benrey had died right in front of him, how the fuck did he just come back like this? Why was he not- all there? 

‘Whatever, man,’ Gordon sighed. ‘ Just come with us. You’ve gotta keep an eye on me, right? Let’s go.’

Benrey obligingly hopped off the seat, and tailed behind the group as they set off further into the corridors. As they walked, Gordon’s curiosity won over his frustration, and he fell to the back of the group to walk in stride with Benrey. ‘Hey, uh- do you recognize me at all?’ Gordon asked, not looking at him.

‘huh? uh, no. you look like a- dumb hair, though.’

‘Come  _ on _ . Fuck you, man. Good to know you’re still the same asshole at heart, I guess. Look- What do you remember?’

‘wha?’

‘Like- what memories do you have? What things have you experienced?”

Benrey didn’t respond. Gordon felt angry, but he couldn’t quite land on why. He strode back up to the front of the group, trying desperately to stay level and just keep going.

‘Hey. Benrey.’ Bubby whispered, dropping to the back in Gordon’s stead. Benrey didn’t look at him. ‘Hey. Do you actually have any idea what’s going to happen, now you’ve gone and fucked yourself up like this?’

‘stop yelling at me, mean man.’

Bubby rolled his eyes. ‘Tell me what you know about Gordon.’

‘the- uh, guy with the hair? he’s gonna get- gonna get got.’

‘Yep. Listen- he hates you, you hate him, you betray him, that’s the way it’s fucking… supposed to be. Keep it that way, or you’re just going to wind up miserable and all gross and yearn-y again. Not to mention you’ll ruin the script even more, and who knows what’ll happen then.’

‘don’t know what you’re talking about man.’

‘Look, just- Five rooms and one- uh, one elevator down, we’ve got an ambush set up. They’re going to knock his ass out and take him to the surface.’ Bubby began, and laid out the plan for Benrey as they kept walking, ignoring Gordon’s suspicious glares from up front. 

-

When they finally hit the designated room, Bubby looked over at Benrey and nodded. Benrey waited for everyone to get a few feet inside, and hit the lights. There was a second of shocked quiet, followed by confused shouts, and the soldiers stormed into the room, swarming on Gordon immediately.

‘Mr- MR. FREEMAN!!’ Tommy yelled, squinting through the dark. Coomer was stood firmly in front of Tommy, and Tommy, frantic, found that Dr. Coomer was as solid and immovable as a brick wall, trapping him into a corner. ‘Dr. Coomer!! Please move, we ha-we have to help Mr. Freeman-’

‘Oh my god, what are they doing to the man?’ Dr. Coomer exclaimed, blind to Tommy’s struggle behind him. Bubby and Benrey stood by the door, Bubby smiling a little, Benrey egging on the guards as they shoved Gordon to the floor.

One of the soldiers pulled out a wicked, serrated knife, high in the air and brightly reflecting what little light there was. The room froze in shocked silence once again, all eyes on the blade. 

There was a beat, and the knife fell, and then Gordon’s distressed shouts turned to dreadful, wild screaming. 

Tommy’s cries to help Gordon turned to quiet, panicked sobs, and Dr. Coomer froze completely as he watched Gordon’s blood stain his lab coat in painful spatters. The knife screeched as it met bone, and Benrey, looking like he might be sick, turned to Bubby.

‘man i don’t know how the fuck this was supposed to go but w- you gotta stop this. fucking  _ stop it-’ _

‘I didn’t- you weren’t supposed to do this! You weren’t supposed to cut his arm off-’ Bubby yelled out to the soldiers, but they didn’t even look at him. Didn’t even blink. There was a sickening crunch as one of them kicked Gordon in the chest, punctuating his hoarse screaming with the sound of his own breaking ribs. Tommy threw up. Benrey clutched his hands over his ears under the helmet like he could somehow block out the sawing and the blood and Gordon’s ragged cries. 

A slow, dreadful minute later, the last shreds of skin and HEV suit were ripped through. Gordon’s forearm fell detached and still to the ground, landing in the rapidly growing pool of his blood that stained his suit and the walls and the grinning faces of the soldiers. One of them hoisted Gordon into the air by the back of his HEV suit and neatly bashed the back of his head with a gun, knocking him unconscious. He hung from the guard’s hand like a broken puppet, and the rest of the Science Team watched as he was dragged out. 

‘Ah, shit,’ Bubby said, voice hollow. ‘I- it wasn’t meant to go like that. Oh- oh,  _ fuck this,  _ I’ll get him back _. _ ’ He hoisted his machine gun into his arms, and ran after the soldiers, yelling some incomprehensible war cry.

Benrey shrugged, still wan and shaky. He pulled out his own gun, and ran after him.

‘I miss him every day,’ said Dr. Coomer, staring wistfully after the yells and gunshots and sprays of blood. 

Tommy slid down the wall he was leaning on until he was crumpled into sitting at its base. ‘What are we- what are we meant to do now??’

Dr Coomer smiled brightly down at him. ‘With our poor Gordon gone, I have been granted a modicum of freedom, and I intend to use it. There’s nothing planned for me in this part of the story, and so I am going to attempt to write myself out! To escape, as it were.’ 

‘You- and Bubby, and Benrey used to, you keep talking about the  _ story _ \- it’s- it’s like what Dr. Bubby was saying to Benrey. It’ll only make it harder for you thinking about it, right? Just- just play your part. It’s not going to work, Dr. Coomer. Dr. Bubby’s not going to save Mr. Freeman, and- and Benrey’s not going to be able to be friends with him in the end. He  _ can’t. _ We’re stuck in this. Just- be happy you can decide anything at all.’

Dr. Coomer’s sunny expression didn’t change. ‘Are you going to tell Benrey to give up on Gordon and wallow in his misery?’, he inquired.

Tommy paused. ‘I- no.’

‘See? We must keep trying to make things better, and so I shall try to escape,’ Dr. Coomer said, and took out a large gun from somewhere within his lab coat. Tommy sighed, defeated, and they walked into the now quiet hallway where the short shootout had taken place.

It was empty aside from Benrey, who sat slumped against the bloodspattered wall, prodding at an oozing wound in his leg.

Dr. Coomer lowered his gun. ‘Where’s Bubby?’

‘he- gone. can someone say what the fuck’s going on i’m not supposed to have blood- uh, outside of me. s’not supposed to be able to do that.’

‘Ah, they put him back in his tube,’ said Dr. Coomer, almost to himself. He looked troubled.

‘Ah, shit,’ Tommy said. ‘Hey! Uh, Benrey, can you turn back on your immortality now, please? Mr. Freeman’s gonna be gone for a while, I think, so it’s ok.’

Benrey looked up at him, wincing in pain. ‘huh? what do y- no?’

Dr. Coomer clapped his hands together. ‘The power of gay love, Tommy! The man seems to have permanently set himself as vulnerable, for the comfort of our Gordon.’

‘why would i do that bro that’s uh. we hate each other.’

Tommy grabbed Benrey’s shoulder. ‘You have to try, ok? You have to tell him you want to be friends- you can’t just give up and be- and be sad forever!’

‘Yes, Tommy! Hear, hear!’ Dr. Coomer said. ‘Pining like that will wear away at a man’s soul. Make an effort!’

Benrey shook his head. ‘wh- uhhh why would i tell him i wanna- be friend when he sucks and hates me bro?’

Tommy gave him a long-suffering look. ‘I know you don’t- don’t remember anything, and I know you’re supposed to hate each other, but you  _ don’t _ ! Please try. I- care whether you’re happy or not, even if you don’t.’

Benrey blinked at him several times. ‘wh- you said that already.’

Dr. Coomer grinned. ‘It’s a lovely line, I don’t blame him for reusing it. Besides, you aren’t supposed to remember that!’

Benrey blinked a dozen times more, and shook his head violently for a minute. ‘ah fuck th- memories- i  _ do _ like. fuckin- stupid lame gordon- this sucks, bro.’

Tommy smiled brightly. ‘Oh, you remember!!’

Benrey put his head in his hands. ‘stupid gay ass turned off their invulnerability for some- greasy dirt man. fuck. ’m stuck like this.’

‘Hey, you remember now, though, right? So now you can talk it over with Gordon and it’ll all be ok! When, uh- when I get him back for you.’

Benrey gave him a small smile. ‘thanks tommy. love you bro. also uh- i’m still bleeding out a bit.’

‘Oh!’ Tommy jumped up and ran off to retrieve a medkit.They hastily patched him up, topping off the wound’s dressings with a little smiley sticker, and all three went their separate ways. Each couldn’t help but to feel a little hopeful as they thought over their individual plans for freedom (or at least for joy). 

-

Tommy’s route led him to find Gordon, dazed and bleeding out, tossed like trash into the backrooms of Black Mesa. ‘Hey! Mr Freeman,’ Tommy said gently, leaning down to help him up, ‘C’mon, let’s get out of here.’

‘What… what fuckin’ happened?’ Gordon choked, clutching Tommy’s arm. ‘W- they fucking sold me out, didn’t they?’

Tommy opened his mouth to protest or deny but all he could manage was a feeble ‘Yeah’.

‘Bastards.’ Gordon, leaning heavily on Tommy, stumbled into something akin to standing. ‘Can’t believe... trusted them again. Shoulda known. Why- why the fuck was I trusting Benrey again, anyway? Hanging around w… damn soldiers… stupid.’

‘Um- Mr. Freeman, don’t you remember what- what happened at the train tracks?’

‘What- what’re you talking about?’

Tommy’s face dropped and he went quiet. Gordon seemed too woozy to press him further, and so they limped onwards through Black Mesa in relative silence. 

-

They found Dr. Coomer, who made his grand attempt at an escape through Gordon’s barely present mind. Tommy felt bad about mowing down all his clones so relentlessly- he knew it must hurt awfully, but he also knew that there was no way Dr. Coomer’s plan could have succeeded, even if he’d let them all live. He would much rather that his friend experience being shot to death a hundred times than be stuck in a maddening void for all eternity. Throughout the whole ordeal Gordon just lay in a corner, watching the bodies pile up. He seemed to latch onto the idea of foiling Dr. Coomer’s grand escape like a lost man to a signpost. 

-

They came across Benrey about a day later, just waiting for them in an empty hallway. He waved nonchalantly at them as they entered. 

Gordon pulled out his gun immediately with his remaining hand, anger clouding his face.

‘Mr. Freeman, not- not again! Come on!’ Tommy cried, and stepped between the gun and Benrey. 

‘why’re you always so eager to shoot me, bro? can’t just say hi like a- like a normal?’

‘You got my fucking arm cut off!!’ Gordon shouted, on his tiptoes to gesture over Tommy’s shoulder. ‘How the hell am I ever meant to trust you again?!’

Benrey looked over at Tommy. ‘hey- tommy, uh… why’s he so mad…’

Tommy winced. ‘I think- I think he, uh- forgot.’

‘The man’s got brain fry disease!’, Dr. Coomer said. ‘Like you, Benrey! You will just have to start again from the top.’

‘wh- alright. hey gordon i’m- uh, benrey. we’re good- best friends and kiss sometimes.’

‘Perfect!’

‘Fuck off, asshole! You’ve never been anything but a dipshit to me! Don’t try and- and change my perception, I know that I hate you.  _ Christ  _ my head hurts. Let’s go.’ Gordon stormed off down the corridors. 

‘He’ll remember eventually,’ Dr. Coomer sighed in empty reassurance, and they followed after him. 

-

They picked up Bubby, trapped in his tube, and Dr. Coomer deflated with relief when he realised that Bubby still remembered. The two stayed firmly at each other’s side as the now reunited team continued on through the corridors, and occasionally spat trivia questions at each other to test their memories.

Benrey was following behind Gordon like a lost dog. Gordon was firmly ignoring him. Muttering to himself, he stepped round an innocuous corner some time later into their wandering.

There was a resounding click.

Benrey’s eyes widened and he instinctively threw himself into Gordon, shoving him to the harsh metal floor. Gordon fell behind a low, solid crate a split second before the turret that sat at the entrance of the corridor opened fire. Benrey was caught solid in the stream of bullets and toppled to the ground almost immediately.

‘W- what t- Benrey!’ Gordon yelled, and desperately tugged Benrey’s leg towards his crate until Benrey was dragged behind it with him. He left a thick path of blood streaking the floor behind him.

‘y- remember yet, dummy?’ Benrey wheezed, clutching his chest.

‘Yes- I’m so fucking stupid, I’m sorry, I don’t want to have to do this again-’

Benrey sniffed. ‘i’ll be back, bro. just gotta… not forget again. both of us.’

‘I don’t- I don’t know how, man, I’m sorry-’

‘figure something out or- or else. hey, um- kiss?’ 

Gordon gaped at him, face bright red, and didn’t move.

‘damn can’t believe you’re making me die without- y.. lame.’

And he died. Again.

Gordon sat there, hunched beside the crate in an awful mix of blushing butterflies and crushing grief. He was gonna kill Benrey when he saw him again. God, he shouldn’t be feeling this  _ happy _ . 

The turret clicked dry, and the rest of the team ran over. 

‘Hello, Gordon!’

Gordon wiped his eyes and looked up at them, a determined look settling on his face. ‘Tell me how to not forget.’

Tommy face went fast from concerned to excited realisation to upset in a second. ‘Oh- oh, I’m sorry, Mr. Freeman. I wish I knew.’

‘The fantastic Dr. Bubby made it out his tube with all his memories,’ Dr. Coomer announced proudly. ‘Ask him!’

Bubby shook his head dismissively. ‘I’m just better than you, probably. Also not as, uh- plot important.’

Gordon laughed a little. ‘Alright. Just- when I forget, make sure I get my memories back at some point. Please.’

‘We’ll try, Mr. Freeman,’ Tommy said quietly, looking down at Benrey’s body. 

  
  


By the time they woke up the next morning Gordon was already on a tirade about skeletons and betrayal and how much Benrey sucked. He didn’t seem to notice how none of the Science Team would meet his eyes. Dr. Coomer’s valiant efforts to recite every relevant conversation Gordon had had with Benrey or Tommy fell on deaf ears, Gordon waving him off with something about reciting Wikipedia articles. 

When Dr. Coomer gave up on trying to jog his memories, they just walked in a heavy silence for hours. The sort of feeling that comes with the endgame was thick in the air as they made their way to Xen. 

Finally, they got to the weird, organic, floating islands, and Benrey appeared, and Tommy almost cried in relief. 

It wasn’t quite the same, though. Benrey was huge. Fifty feet tall and his voice didn’t seem to come from his mouth anymore. Gordon was fucking terrified, but the rest of the science team stayed put on their platform, smiling up at Benrey, and something in Gordon stopped him from just running.

‘i didn’t forget this time’, said Benrey.

‘Wonderful!’ Dr. Coomer yelled up to him.

‘nah man th- ’s bad. wish i could be the properly final boss for you guys without being lame and emo about it.’ He folded himself down so he was resting his head in his hands, and leant on the edge of the platform. His huge eyes stared down at Gordon. ‘hey feetman. blaahhh i’m gonna- im gonna getcha. gonna kill ya.’

Whatever had kept Gordon standing calm in front of Benrey snapped, and he turned and ran. They watched him go. After a few minutes of laden silence, Bubby led Tommy and Dr. Coomer over the path of floating islands, until they joined back up with Gordon to aid him against the minibosses lurking in the caves.

-

Eventually, they made their way into the huge, dim cavern of the final boss room, squinting as their eyes adjusted to the lack of light.

‘What the fuck?’ Gordon said, as he waded through muck to the heaped shape he saw in the middle of the room. ‘Benrey??’

The shape moved, and Gordon leapt back. It unfolded himself until Benrey was standing at full height above them, helmet almost brushing the distant roof. 

‘sorry’, Benrey said, voice everywhere at once. Gordon’s head ached just looking at him. ‘don’t- don’t shoot me, bro. don’t wanna hurt you. hey, just leave? i’ll stay here and- and then you can go back and keep- uh, playing. s’the end, otherwise.’

Gordon shook his head furiously. ‘W-shut up! Why the fuck wouldn’t we fight you?? You’re- you’re the worst! Got my arm cut off, nearly got me killed- you’re going to kill me if I don’t get you first!!’

‘no-’ Benrey began, but Gordon was already firing his minigun into his leg. Benrey sighed. ‘stupid.’

Dozens of skeletons crawled out from the muck, spitting sweet voice like bullets, and within minutes the entire Science Team was held immobile.

‘You triggered the boss fight now, dumbass!’ Bubby shouted over at Gordon.

‘What the fuck do you mean!?’ Gordon yelled back. ‘We have to kill him! What, do you just want us to be stuck here in this hell place for eternity??’

‘Gordon.’ Dr Coomer said. ‘Gordon, you must understand that you are the only one of us that can leave.’

‘Please remember, Mr. Freeman!’ Tommy called over to him, desperately. 

‘nah,’ Benrey muttered, sounding to every one of them like he was speaking into their ears. ‘even if he remembers he’s still gotta- gotta kill me. and i gotta fight you and then this ends and we have to wait here alone forever. don’t bother, tommy.’

Benrey dissolved the sweet voice and watched, as deadpan as he could manage, as they destroyed passport after passport. Each destruction contorted his body into awful, bone-breaking shapes. He didn’t say anything.

One passport left. One place left to visit. Gordon took Bubby’s time gun, closed his eyes, squeezed the trigger- and he was back at the beginning. His head suddenly felt calm and clear, and for a minute he just stood there, almost in a trance. 

The hallways were empty and the whole place was silent. Gordon felt way out of place in his scraped up, filthy HEV suit as he walked the clean linoleum floors. He thought how weird it was to see this place without ever-flickering lights and blood and water and soda sprayed on the walls.

Why was he here again?

Oh, right, the final passport. Benrey.

_ Benrey _ .

Gordon sprinted through the hallways, laughing to himself in disbelief. Thank god for time fuckery, huh. He searched the backs of his now clear memory for the way to the locker room, revelling in every lucid thought and perspicuous realisation. 

He rounded the last, familiar, corner, and threw open the locker room door with his shoulder. He grinned uncontrollably as he recognized the uniformed figure sitting on the bench as it turned to look at him.

‘gonna shoot me?’

‘No!!’

Benrey squinted at him. ‘uhh. passport’s in your locker over there next to your- ikea stock photo boy. go fetch.’

‘Dude, that’s my son- no, hey, Benrey, I  _ remember! _ My head doesn’t hurt at all, Bubby’s time warp gun cleared my head, I guess, I- why aren’t you looking at me?’

‘hoped this wouldn’t happen.’

‘What? Hey- why the fuck not? This is what you wanted, isn’t it? We both remember, at the same time, I can stop shooting you over and over like a lunatic, we- we can go!’

‘didn’t you hear dr. coomer in the cavern, dummy? you’re the only one who can get- who can leave. we’re built into this place, bro. stuck.’

‘No,’ Gordon said. ‘No, I’ll- there’s gotta be a way to get you out. I’m not going to just kill you.’

Benrey got up, walked over to Gordon’s locker, took out two things, and held them up to him.

‘this kid. your cringe baby. tell me about- tell me him.’

Gordon smiled a little looking at the photo. ‘That’s Joshie- uhh, Joshua. He likes cowboys and farms and eating peanuts. He’s- he’s a menace. I love him.’

Benrey nodded and threw the other thing- the passport- at Gordon’s feet. ‘break this, then. defeat the b- the me and end the game. otherwise you’re stuck here without your- your joosh forever.’

Gordon took a solid step back from the passport and shook his head, looking between the photo of Joshua and Benrey. ‘I can’t just- leave you guys. I can’t just kill you! I don’t want to! I-’

Benrey’s hand clamped over Gordon’s mouth. ‘you can’t stay stuck here forever when the exit’s right there and you’re just too much of a lil child to take it. i won’t let you’ he said, and pulled out his gun, and shot the passport into pieces.

  
  
  


The edge’s of Gordon’s vision were blurred and fraying. He blinked, trying to clear it, and they were back in the cavern. Something was wrong. 

‘You weren’t supposed to do that, dipshit!!’ he heard Bubby shouting. ‘What the hell?? Destroying your own passport- you’ve properly fucked up the script now!’ 

Gordon looked around and saw that his arm was royally fucked up, glitching between a gun and a bleeding stump and a weird cyborg hand he’d never seen before. He painstakilngy turned to look over at Benrey, and immediately forgot his arm. If his arm was royally fucked up Benrey was imperially completely  _ destroyed _ . He couldn’t even look at him for longer than a few seconds without feeling like his skull was going to burst. Benrey and the- the space around him was changing and warping and glowing more every millisecond and there was this awful mix of noise ringing in his ears- and- 

Gordon didn’t hear Benrey say it, he just knew that it had been said, and that it had been panicked. ‘might- still work. kill me. Now.  _ NOW. _ ’

Dr. Coomer said something, but it was a normal shout, and swept up too fast in the tornado of sound crashing through Gordon’s head. Gordon waded closer to him, and Dr. Coomer tried again.

‘HELLO GORDON! YOU KNOW, ALL THEY EVER WANTED WAS A COMPELLING STORY.’ His body was starting to break apart at the edges. ‘GIVE THEM A GOOD ENDING. PERHAPS THEY’LL BE SATISFIED WITH THAT.’

Gordon tried to think through the chaos, hands clutched over his ears until he’d scraped together enough lucidity to form a solid idea.

He nodded to Dr. Coomer, gave him a thumbs up riddled with colours that were not meant to be there and perhaps too many fingers, and started to wade back.

‘BENREY!’ he yelled. His foot flickered out of existence under him for a moment, and he nearly fell.

Run away, Benrey had said moments ago, and there had been genuine fear in his voice. Gordon couldn’t tell how he knew. Don’t get any closer, it’ll just destroy you with me. Get out.

Gordon ignored him and kept going until he was close enough that he could feel his entire body shot through with- with glitches. Nothing was right anymore.

He achingly trudged the last few feet and stood in front of the mess of colour and light and noise and nothing, with his eyes shut tight as a last barrier against his painfully breaking world. He reached out and found what seemed to be the side of Benrey’s face, sometimes, and put his hand on it, and staunchly ignored the static firing through his arm as he did, and took a step forward, and kissed him. 

And-

And the noise stopped.

There was a long, long pause. Gordon just stood there, eyes still scrunched shut, wincing in the sudden ringing silence. He was still just inches away from Benrey’s face, who looked utterly, completely shocked and was blushing to the edge of spontaneous combustion. Almost a minute later, Gordon adjusted to the shock of the environment change and realised that he was still holding Benrey’s warm face in his hands. He took a hasty step back.

‘Oh, uh- uh, sorry, if that- uh, if you didn’t-’

A grin was slowly spreading across Benrey’s face. 

‘It wouldn’t have worked if it wasn’t mutual, dumbass!’ Bubby hollered over to them from where he stood, hand in hand with Dr. Coomer. ‘Can’t stand gay people,’ he muttered, and Dr. Coomer planted a kiss on his cheek.

‘you kiss me?’ Benrey said, now looking borderline delighted. 

Gordon laughed. ‘Yeah, asshole. I kiss you. Took me long enough.’

‘had to die like eight times for you to do anything. can’t believe,’ Benrey said. Gordon had never seen him look so happy. 

‘You did it, Dr. Freeman!!’ Tommy called over. He ran up and wrapped both of them in a tight hug. 

Gordon tensed for a moment, pushed up against Benrey, and then relaxed. ‘Yeah- yeah! Hey-  _ we  _ did it! We can- we have time, now. I’ll find a way to get you guys out of here.’ 

‘epic,’ Benrey said, muffled against Gordon’s shoulder. Gordon took his hand and laughed at how immediately Benrey’s face turned back to red.

Tommy let them go, and began excitedly laying out plans for how they could go somewhere new and what exciting bank robberies and pizza parties they could have. Every one of them was feeling, for the first time, properly and fully hopeful.

Somewhere, unbeknownst to any of them, the camera faded to black, and the credits began to roll. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for reading, everyone! uhhh yeah! hope you enjoyed!

**Author's Note:**

> this was so fun to write. thank you for reading. if i dont finish the second chapter please come shoot me. that is all. hope you enjoyed!


End file.
